Mother's Anxiety
For the last three days we've been preparing Briggs for a colonoscopy/endoscopy with biopsy. We've been struggling with consistent fevers and abdominal pain with no results from blood work or ultrasounds for nearly a year. After discussing things with a gastroenterologist we concluded it would be best to move ahead with an inside view. I didn't realize how much anxiety it stirred within me.
For Briggs we filled his time with lots of things - outings, trains, parks, movies, and lots of juice boxes. He was content, but had tried to sneak into the kitchen while Dad was getting Noah ready for bed to have a PB/Jelly sandwich. Dad was on top of that one, and saved the day. Yesterday we found out B's procedure would be postponed to late in the day, and that we couldn't check in until 11:30 - with fasting to begin at 10:25 a.m. Rob went into work because he'd had Tuesday (holiday) and Wednesday off so it made sense. I had been with Briggs all morning and although he saw Noah's corn dog (10 am, snack time - best snack, right - another good mom moment for the books) Briggs knew he couldn't eat it and walked away. Mistakenly I walked away too - leaving the corn dog on the little table. It was 10:15 and I needed to get some stuff from upstairs. When I came down, B was not on the couch - I shouted - Briggs... all to find a little, terrified boy sneaking another bite of a corn dog beneath the little table in the kitchen. I was so sad. I was so very sad. I asked him to go to the couch, called the doctor and cried. I wandered around the house so upset and sad I'm embarrassed to say how intense it was. Noah followed me around with a book repeating - it's going to be okay, Mom - are you sad? It be okay. Finally after 20 minutes I was able to talk with a nurse - yep, we needed to reschedule. I was fallen, I was torn up inside thinking of going through this again. We were 5 minutes away from walking out of the house to remove ourselves from temptation.
The nurse told me he could eat whatever he wanted now that we rescheduled, so I gave him a corn dog and went upstairs to cry. I couldn't understand how I had invested so much energy into this one procedure; how I had invested so much emotion. I should have taken an anxiety pill the night before as my thoughts went to standing next to Briggs as he fell asleep on the bed - to finding an awful disease that would require intense lifestyle changes, to just simply remembering to lock his bedroom door (from the outside) to keep him from sneaking out and eating. There was so much invested - so much of me - of my mom me.
Moments after I gave him the new corn dog the nurse called and told me to stop letting him eat - the doctor was going to do the procedure! I was elated! I asked if I needed to give him a laxative, make him throw up - anything? No, we're just going to have him not eat for six hours from the bite -- moving the procedure to 4:00 p.m. I went down and explained this to Briggs along with the reassurance that I was never angry with him - just terribly sad that we'd need to do the process again. But the Dr. heard my sadness (anxiety) and is letting us go in to get it done, just later.
My emotional roller coaster continued, but this time my sister was around to help me keep track of him. He couldn't have anything in his mouth - no water, juice, gum or mints. I found myself exhausted, but still tied up with what was to happen next. I'll spare the remainder of the details but just wanted to write this down for my own lessons in life 1) trust the medical team - when they say it's routine, it's pretty routine; 2) take the anxiety pill mama! It will help you be a better person for your children in times like these. and 3) have another adult around to help keep track of what's happening and so you can step aside, stay hydrated and fed.
Lessons learned.
The Dr. said the results from the scope looked great, and the biopsies would tell us more, but he's not confident this will be our answer. He took more blood work so we can move forward with another option - rheumatology or immunology. Briggs came home, ate a giant chocolate chip cookie/pizza, corn dog, ice cream, pb sandwich, water, and chocolate milk. He's happy, I'm absolutely exhausted and spent. It feels even physical the exhaustion I feel.
For Briggs we filled his time with lots of things - outings, trains, parks, movies, and lots of juice boxes. He was content, but had tried to sneak into the kitchen while Dad was getting Noah ready for bed to have a PB/Jelly sandwich. Dad was on top of that one, and saved the day. Yesterday we found out B's procedure would be postponed to late in the day, and that we couldn't check in until 11:30 - with fasting to begin at 10:25 a.m. Rob went into work because he'd had Tuesday (holiday) and Wednesday off so it made sense. I had been with Briggs all morning and although he saw Noah's corn dog (10 am, snack time - best snack, right - another good mom moment for the books) Briggs knew he couldn't eat it and walked away. Mistakenly I walked away too - leaving the corn dog on the little table. It was 10:15 and I needed to get some stuff from upstairs. When I came down, B was not on the couch - I shouted - Briggs... all to find a little, terrified boy sneaking another bite of a corn dog beneath the little table in the kitchen. I was so sad. I was so very sad. I asked him to go to the couch, called the doctor and cried. I wandered around the house so upset and sad I'm embarrassed to say how intense it was. Noah followed me around with a book repeating - it's going to be okay, Mom - are you sad? It be okay. Finally after 20 minutes I was able to talk with a nurse - yep, we needed to reschedule. I was fallen, I was torn up inside thinking of going through this again. We were 5 minutes away from walking out of the house to remove ourselves from temptation.
The nurse told me he could eat whatever he wanted now that we rescheduled, so I gave him a corn dog and went upstairs to cry. I couldn't understand how I had invested so much energy into this one procedure; how I had invested so much emotion. I should have taken an anxiety pill the night before as my thoughts went to standing next to Briggs as he fell asleep on the bed - to finding an awful disease that would require intense lifestyle changes, to just simply remembering to lock his bedroom door (from the outside) to keep him from sneaking out and eating. There was so much invested - so much of me - of my mom me.
Moments after I gave him the new corn dog the nurse called and told me to stop letting him eat - the doctor was going to do the procedure! I was elated! I asked if I needed to give him a laxative, make him throw up - anything? No, we're just going to have him not eat for six hours from the bite -- moving the procedure to 4:00 p.m. I went down and explained this to Briggs along with the reassurance that I was never angry with him - just terribly sad that we'd need to do the process again. But the Dr. heard my sadness (anxiety) and is letting us go in to get it done, just later.
My emotional roller coaster continued, but this time my sister was around to help me keep track of him. He couldn't have anything in his mouth - no water, juice, gum or mints. I found myself exhausted, but still tied up with what was to happen next. I'll spare the remainder of the details but just wanted to write this down for my own lessons in life 1) trust the medical team - when they say it's routine, it's pretty routine; 2) take the anxiety pill mama! It will help you be a better person for your children in times like these. and 3) have another adult around to help keep track of what's happening and so you can step aside, stay hydrated and fed.
Lessons learned.
The Dr. said the results from the scope looked great, and the biopsies would tell us more, but he's not confident this will be our answer. He took more blood work so we can move forward with another option - rheumatology or immunology. Briggs came home, ate a giant chocolate chip cookie/pizza, corn dog, ice cream, pb sandwich, water, and chocolate milk. He's happy, I'm absolutely exhausted and spent. It feels even physical the exhaustion I feel.
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